My website is changing… evolving… transforming! from a little, hairy, yellow and black caterpillar into, um, a little yellow and black butterfly. Soon, I hope, it will be unrecognizable. But it will still have my face. Yes, my face with antennae and 36 eyes or whatever. It will still be mine, and I hope you’ll stick around to witness the rebirth, and that you won’t stomp on me with your big human feet.
If you sit with grief
and hold its hands
in yours, they will be cold,
it’s true, but they won’t
steal you from yourself.
If you sit with sorrow,
and hold it to your heart,
you will ache
but it will not take you with it
when it lets you go.
If you sit with hope
it floats above you
til you choose it
grasping its tail and pulling it
on to your shoulder.
and then it is yours,
for its lifetime, as long as it lasts.
Feed it, scratch it under the chin
and let it roam free.
It may bring you a pebble,
a treasure, a fruit
and when sorrow and grief
it will sit on your shoulder
looking at them with bright eyes
until they know
it’s time to go.
Here are two thingamabobs that I have had a hand on making that are helping raise funds for two mental health organizations that are close to my heart!
The 2017 Colouring Calendar is $10 and all proceeds go to the Schizophrenia Society of Nova Scotia. Poem story What Hope Looks Like and accompanying line drawings by me! Order the calendar from SSNS. For more information: http://ssnsc.blogspot.ca/p/2017-fundraising-colouring-calendar-now.html.
Kindness is a colouring book based on my poem of the same name, with colouring page illustrations collaged by me from my line drawings and found images in the public domain. They are for sale for $12.95 from me or from the Canadian Mental Health Association Halifax-Dartmouth Branch, which receives $5 from the sale of each copy.
Hope you’ll consider supporting these two wonderful organizations. Both calendar and colouring book are ideal gifts to send by snail mail!
I loved Halloween as a kid. Running around in the dark, half spooked, breath ghosting the air, feeling my pillowcase get heavier and heavier with wonderful things like chips and chocolate bars. There were stories of older kids stealing candy from younger ones. I thought how unspeakably cruel that was, but I never knew anyone that had that happen to them. Then when I was 14 living in Boulder, Colorado, there was a scare of some kind–someone tampering with Halloween treats. I wondered how twisted did a person have to be to do something like that. Everyone was a little worried.
Now there are teal pumpkins to protect kids with food allergies by signifying homes giving out allergy safe treats. Seems like a great idea… sad that it has to be done but for whatever reason food allergies seem to be a lot more prevalent and teal pumpkins help Halloween to be inclusive of everyone, including the kid with a deathly tree nut allergy. There is also a conversation about Halloween costumes, the ones that are offensive to some because they are seen to be culturally insensitive and inappropriate. To others, the conversation itself is offensive. But to a big majority is seems to be a conversation that bewilders. From the comments made on cross Country Check-up tonight, people don’t seem to know what the fuss is about. The vast majority agree that “black face” is offensive but don’t seem to know what to do with other cultural and religious depictions in costume.
Most people don’t have the intention of hurting anyone with a costume, and yet nevertheless, costumes apparently have the ability to hurt people. I think this is indisputable because people have said , “That costume hurts and offends me.” It doesn’t matter that someone doesn’t mean to hurt a person, it still hurts. People may say another person has no reason to hurt. It’s just an innocent costume, they say. Some people will be concerned enough to change their costume because they don’t want to hurt the people who expressed their feelings. It’s when people get angry to be told that a costume is insensitive, hurtful and offensive, that I begin to think that they feel threatened to be told they have even inadvertently done something that hurt another person. It’s weird because if someone stepped on another person’s foot without meaning to, and were told that it hurt, they wouldn’t get red in the face and tell the person they’d hurt that they have no reason to hurt, that they are infringing on their rights by telling them they’ve been hurt. They’d get off the person’s foot, apologize,and try not to do it again.
I think the problem is really that people like me, raised in a society which has oppressed and violated and destroyed whole cultures, don’t see it or don’t want to see it. Both are problems for the people at the other end of that oppression.
There’s a big and interesting conversation to be had about how to address this problem. I see it as a problem, when the stated feelings of people are not acknowledged. Some think that legislating bans against certain types of costumes is the way to go. I don’t really know. Rules can be a helpful tool to creating social change and changing minds, but it seems like there should be better ways. It always does seem like there should be better ways, and there are, if only we would use them.
Listening to the people who say they are hurt would be a start. Not brushing them off, not talking over them, and not dismissing their feelings as nonsense. I have learned the hard way that I should shut up sometimes and not talk, but listen. I recommend it as a starting point to a meaningful conversation with hurting people.
i need to let go
but i don’t want to
it’s only a reflex
it’s only a reflection
of a need long ago
like when you were waiting
at the airport with the sign
with their name on it
but they never came.
That fear of abandoning
the thing your heart
in case it forgets
how to want something else.
saying goodbye to people places and things. it’s like eating pebbles, it’s that hard– but apparently some birds do that because it helps them digest. I am just a featherless chicken… and clearly balking at the need for gastroliths… that’s what the swallowed pebbles are called. whoever invented goodbyes probably never had to use one. just like it was probably a man who invented the corset. it was probably someone with no heart and eyes in the back of their head who invented goodbyes.
I’m planning to go live somewhere else for three months in the fall, and I’m scared. Scared I’ll be lonely and unproductive, scared I will feel miserable and question why I decided to do it. I love Halifax and Dartmouth and I love my friends and I’ll miss them like crazy. I’ll miss my family and swimming at the pool at my friend’s apartment building and being able to hop on a bus and just go somewhere and the CMHA and the coffee shops. I’ll miss having a familiar routine of sorts. My new routine will incorporate several hours of writing a day, walks, reading and a good deal of solitude I imagine. Most of all it will involve getting caught up in my novel again, and hopefully finishing a rough draft.
That sounds a little like heaven,hell and purgatory all mixed up together. It isn’t going to be easy clearly. But is it the right decision to go away to write? People do it all the time. But for three months?
I will need music. I will need to cook and eat well, exercise enough and sleep enough. I will need appropriate clothing for the weather which will be edging toward winter at the end. Honestly I am not sure I am entirely cut out for this adventure but I’ve done something like it before and managed alright. This time I am sticking closer to home for a lot of reasons, some of which I don’t have words for.
I’m looking for a place to do this thing. I’ve decided it needs to be near water. Does anyone know such a place? I can pay rent or cat sit. I can do my own dishes and keep to myself. I need laundry facilities and wifi, and it needs to be non-smoking. I’m going to see a place this weekend, but it might not be the right place. It needs to be.
So it comes down to this. Someone takes a life, and someone takes another life as retribution, and someone responds by taking another life, and so on and so forth. It’s not really difficult to see why that doesn’t work out well, doesn’t lead to lasting change, and doesn’t end. In fact, to think otherwise is a little mind-boggling and more than a little unscientific. People in favour of violent response to violence and war might think they are the realists, but they are in fact the polyannas of the world.”I will just apply this little bit of violence and destruction to this particular issue and everything will be better.”
However, people who feel themselves to be under threat will defend themselves and their families. They will fight to survive, and this seems like a reasonable thing to do. Black and brown people are under threat on many fronts in North America. It is not an opinion but a fact. The stats on who dies more often at the hands of police, who is incarcerated at higher rates, whose health and homes and livelihoods are most jeopardized by poverty and insecurity, you will find it is not Caucasians. And if you point the finger at the people who are most at risk of death and misery because of this situation– dark-skinned people– then that too seems like a rather ludricous and irrational conclusion to jump to.
Would people who truly have an equal opportunity at happiness and success for themselves and their children turn it down in favour of lives where they struggle to survive, or are threatened by violence? I don’t think so. Not by choice. It doesn’t make sense. In fact the whole picture seems weirdly surreal and inexplicable until you factor in systemic racism. Then a coherent picture begins to emerge.
These are really broad strokes. I guess i’m painting them that way because I am beginning to see things that way. If you get up close to the picture you will see a lot of bewildering details, some of which seem relevant and some of which seem arbitrary; but when you stand back you can see the swaths of colour. whole communities, whole ethnicities, that have been painted with the same brush.
I am as racist, as biased and as dumb as the next person. I say that while believing in the essential goodness of humanity, because although I think of myself as an individual with a free mind and free will, I am only free within certain limitations and parameters. I am a part of this painting after all. But I have been squinting at this picture for awhile now. That’s me, the little pale yellow dot trying to float free– like a balloon, hoping to get a bird’s eye view of this place.
As I get older my mind becomes less sharp it seems, less acute, less able to find the key, but I do see things differently. Even if I am not able to envision a different world, I can at least I can see this one from a distance better than I could before when my vision seemed so dazzlingly clear. It helps to keep telling myself the truth about myself and about the world as I see it, to start with that small step. I can do that in the shelter of my own mind, with my heart churning away in the background, the engine that drives the whole thing.
In the end I think we will only survive as a species if we stop doing stupid things. And the stupidest thing we can do is to think that things like love and justice and truth are just pretty ideas that don’t have any power. If we ignore them, out hunger for them will grow; if we do not satisfy our hunger for them they will consume us; and if we continue to deny them they will destroy us.