The voice in my head is my voice. It’s me. and It’s not a voice as much as feeling in my throat and mouth when i form the words in my mind. Is it the memory of my voice, or the habit of my voice, or even the desire for my voice? Maybe all those things. It’s the imagining of my voice, really.
Sometimes I don’t talk a lot. There are places where my voice hides, because the things I say come out wrong, or because I feel like a stranger, a foreigner. But it’s ok, because when you’re just learning a language you nod and smile a lot and think your own thoughts.
While other people are talking. I’ve been wondering lately about what I’m doing here. In this apartment of mine, in Antigonish, in Nova Scotia, Canada, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, the universe, as the kids like to say. I am missing something which i think is family, friends, the lakes of Dartmouth, the sea, the cityscape, and so on. I also miss the feeling of not really having any responsibilities. I can’t help it. It’s summer and I want to swim and walk and drink lemonade.
Speaking of which I had a delicious honey lemonade at the farmer’s market on Saturday. I took it in my “Newcomer friendly” to go cup to the Fit for Lit fundraising run/walk for ACALA, where i felt kind of dumb waving and cheering on the runners… but my applause were quite sincere. I couldn’t run a single lap of the track and these wonderful people were doing up to 10 km for literacy. Bravo. Hope they went home and drank lemonade and read a book.
I think I want to be a wandering minstrel, with nothing for money in my pocket, singing poems for lemonade on some other planet. Honestly I don’t know if it’s laziness or fear, but I can’t seem to figure out how to build happiness in one place, and it always ends up that I’m looking for what comes next. This may well be a fault. It’s something I need to face I think, because I don’t have the means to wander– either the financial nor the poetic means nor the freshness and suppleness of the young. I am a tired person, already, and restlessness is maybe just a habit of mine now.