Wandering and Wondering

one of the rivers that wander through it

one of the rivers that wander through it

I heard the Wandering Menstruals on CBC radio today! it’s the first time I’ve experienced Antigonish’s feminist activist choir, and they’re great. I wish i could sing… at one time, I was a rather average singer but now my range is only about an octave and a half. My vocal cords must be seizing up, but I don’t care. The voice inside my head is loud and clear.

The voice in my head is my voice. It’s me. and It’s not a voice as much as feeling in my throat and mouth when i form the words in my mind. Is it the memory of my voice, or the habit of my voice, or even the desire for my voice? Maybe all those things. It’s the imagining of my voice, really.

Sometimes I don’t talk a lot. There are places where my voice hides, because the things I say come out wrong, or because I feel like a stranger, a foreigner. But it’s ok, because when you’re just learning a language you nod and smile a lot and think your own thoughts.

While other people are talking. I’ve been wondering lately about what I’m doing here. In this apartment of mine, in Antigonish, in Nova Scotia, Canada, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, the universe, as the kids like to say. I am missing something which i think is family, friends, the lakes of Dartmouth, the sea, the cityscape, and so on. I also miss the feeling of not really having any responsibilities. I can’t help it. It’s summer and I want to swim and walk and drink lemonade.

Speaking of which I had a delicious honey lemonade at the farmer’s market on Saturday. I took it in my “Newcomer friendly” to go cup to the Fit for Lit fundraising run/walk for ACALA, where i felt kind of dumb waving and cheering on the runners… but my applause were quite sincere. I couldn’t run a single lap of the track and these wonderful people were doing up to 10 km for literacy. Bravo. Hope they went home and drank lemonade and read a book.

I think I want to be a wandering minstrel, with nothing for money in my pocket, singing poems for lemonade on some other planet. Honestly I don’t know if it’s laziness or fear, but I can’t seem to figure out how to build happiness in one place, and it always ends up that I’m looking for what comes next. This may well be a fault. It’s something I need to face I think, because I don’t have the means to wander– either the financial nor the poetic means nor the freshness and suppleness of the young. I am a tired person, already, and restlessness is maybe just a habit of mine now.

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4 thoughts on “Wandering and Wondering

  1. DEAR ANNA… KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, AT ONE TIME I TOO FELT THE SAME.

    YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT AND DREAM OF..

    FOR ONE I CANNOT WRITE, LIKE THE WAY YOU DO… YOU ARE VERY ARTICULATE, AND ONE DAY I HOPE TO WRITE SOMETHING INFORMATIVE

    ITS ALL UP THERE… BUT I CANNOT SEEM TO PUT INTO WORDS

    YOU CAN RUN IF YOU WANT TO…. I WAS A COUCH POTATOE, NEVER REALIZING THE BENIFITS.. TILL SOMETHING DRASTIC HAPPENED TO ME

    I DO ZUMBA, AND AS I GOT OLDER, STOP DANCING, STOP SINGING, STOP EXERCISING.. TILL I SAID TO MYSELF… WHAT KIND OF LIFE , LIKE THE LAST 10YEARS OF MY LIFE, TO BE VERY SICK, AND FAMILY HAD TO LOOK AFTER MY EVERYDAY NEEDS, OR THE WORK AT IT.. TO GET BETTER FIT, AND FEELING GOOD, AND BEING OUTDOORS.. AND JUST FEELING LIKE I AM IN HEAVEN.

    YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IS MISSING IN YOUR LIFE, IS WATER… I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH WATER, LIKE THE WATERFRONT, SULLIVANS POND, OR PEGGYS COVE DID FOR ME… WHEN I CAME BACK TO NOVA SCOTIA I DISCOVERED.. LAKES AND PEGGYS COVE.. AND SULLIVANS POND… WAS WHAT WAS MISSING IN MY LIFE.. I MOVED AWAY, THEN I REALIZED WHEN I CAME BACK, THE FEELING.. OF ONE, AND HAPPINESS.. AND WHEN I AM TROUBLED, OR HAD A BAD DAY.. I AM ON THE WATERFRONT, AND ALL MY PROBLEMS GO TO THE BACK OF MY HEAD.. AND I AM TOTALLY AT PEACE… ITS LIKE A PROBLEM BEING SOLVED, WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING..

    I WILL NEVER BE WITHOUT.. HAVING WATER AROUND ME.. ALMOST LIKE MOUNTAINS… AS A CHILD I USED TO CLIMB MOUNTAINS.. AND IT HAS A SIMILAR FEELING.

    ANNA, YOU ARE VERY GIFTED.. AND A GREAT HUMAN BEING… JUST LIKE YOUR BEAUITIFUL MOM, AND DAD…

    THANKS FOR BEING A FRIEND… A GOOD FRIEND..

    ALWAYS ANNETTE…..

    Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2013 00:11:57 +0000 To: annettedegruchy@hotmail.com

    • Hey Annette! it’s great you stay active and lead a life that in meangingful and enjoyable to you! I hope when I am older i will be doing the same… take care and hoep to see you at my book launch in Halifax!

  2. Anna…wonderful writing of a sentiment so many of us can relate to. I think most of us would like to wander, but simply can’t because of mortgages or jobs. You are in a position to be free of some restraints, to use your voice as your job, and a great job you’re doing with it!..but I think you may have hit it that you want to be near the water you know, not the Northumberland shore but your familiar shore, and near your family and friends back here. You could achieve the balance then of less wanderlust when those things bring you more contentment, but still wander somewhat. Why not? as long as you know where home is, you can go back there…
    Wherever I wander to, I miss the sea if I’m not around it, and this is only from a decade here.
    I love the way you captured the feeling, thanks for sharing it.
    barb

    • Thanks Barb! Yes I think wandering must be a pretty common desire and i am in a position to do more about it than some… I am not sure i want to be in dartmouth but I do miss it. Maybe I want to be somehwere nearer Dartmouth though. i just really don’t know! I think it’s like my post on loneliness though- I am aware that there is something in me that drives me to move on from places and people that becoem too familiar… maybe I am trying to get away from myself. that wouldn’t surprise me. Anyway I appreciate your comments and glad to knwo it’s not just me being irresponsible!
      A

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