It’s one of those truly beautiful days that we barely deserve… sun shining, warm enough to open a window, snow melt in the street. I imagine college kids walking down Spring Garden Road in t shirts and as for me, I’ve started on a little Spring cleaning.
If I am honest, I clean rarely enough that Spring cleaning could really be 2012 cleaning. And it’s not like the people in my life don’t know that. When they come over they pretty much know they’re going to have to weave around boxes and suitcases and balance their tea cup on a pile of stuff. It looks like I’m constantly in the middle of moving. Which I am not- I hope either to die here or to one day move one very last time to the home of my dreams, where the floor vacuums itself and the dishes are washed and put away by robotic arms that fold neatly into kitchen drawers when not in use.
They say that the state of one’s home reflects the state of one’s mind. I like to think my thoughts are a creative ferment bubbling away as evidenced by my compost bucket and the dirty dishes that are crossing that mysterious border between the inanimate and the living. However it is more true to say that I am a lazy housekeeper and it reflects a certain intellectual and emotional laziness. I don’t like to admit it but I believe it to be true.
Some of that could be the meds, some of it the illness… but a lot of it I think is an aversion to pain, sharpness, rigour. When I was a kid, I was a hyper-anxious, hyper-perfectionistic student. I put myself through hell, and then things fell apart in high school and I began to avoid suffering and anything that smacked of depth. As a result I kind of float along the surface of life … but I don’t beat myself up about it, because I’ve been there and done that and already made myself sick
So today I did a little Spring cleaning, not much, but enough to feel like I did it, and the sun and friends blessed my home over cranberry tea and raspberry squares. A good afternoon. Back to chaos and mess soon enough, but I have a peaceful feeling about it, like i could easily have another golden afternoon, anytime I choose. It’s good to know I have a choice.